Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize