i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
