thus making me awesome and them whores
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Randomize
