Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
