I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
