Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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