textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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