I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Randomize
