she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
