I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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