I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
