so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I want to be your penis for a week.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
