We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
