I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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