I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
