Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
