once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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