so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
