There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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