i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
