This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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