I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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