Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
