I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
