oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
