In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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