Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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