Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize