I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Sorry about my life...
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
