Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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