I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
