i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
