If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
She's the barista slut.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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