I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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