i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
Sober January is a disaster.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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