he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
