he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
