Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
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