dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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