he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
