he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
