After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
