Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
