my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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