Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
