You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
