Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
