went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
