mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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