I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
