i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
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