So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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