Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
