Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize