Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I accidentally burped into my bong.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
