Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
